What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:31
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Has anyone liked being made a cocksucker?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is soul school!.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She wouldn,t have been !
My family never makes their pension either.
What is one small habit that has transformed your life in unexpected ways?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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She married twice! .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I never cut or harmed myself..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.